I think that in many ways i am absolutely terrified of death. It's not something that i really try to think about too much, nor is it something i even considered to be a possibility for a very long time. I have tried to kill myself many, many times in the past. There was a period of my life that lasted a few years where i would make an attempt bi-monthly or so. But obviously, i never really went through it. There were times that i got really close, though. I prefered hanging myself as my method of suicide, taking the rope from a dressing gown or a cable and hanging it around a hook on my door before putting the other end around my throat. I leant against it as my body ran out of oxygen and my vision would shake and grow dark. And then i would fall to the floor gasping for air as i would lose conciousness.

I think that i always knew i wasn't ever really going to go through with it. If i had really wanted to kill myself i would have gone down to the traintracks by my house. I don't think it was for the attention either though. When i started doing it i would tell people beforehand, but it was always as a way of telling them where i had gone. And then i had the police called on me. One of the people i told was worried and called a wellfare check on me. That's when my parents found out. We had to go to the hospital at like midnight so they could see that i hadn't done too much damage to myself. The wards of suicidal teens were already all full, so they didn't even make me stay the night.

I stopped telling people after that point.

My dad got rid of the cables in my room for a bit, but aside from that nothing really changed. My parents never really brought it up. I know that they knew, they must have done. They just never said anything about it. Avoiding the topic and acting like i wasn't still actively making attempts. It was pretty obvious that i was, my neck would have red marks on it from whatever i was using cutting into it.

I haven't attempted for a while now. I think that, looking back, it was a type of self harm. As i have re-iterated again and again throughout this post i don't think i was ever going to go through with it and i didn't even tell people i was attempting. It was like i was playing with my own mortality as a way of telling myself i wasn't good enough.